As I lay there, I did my usual morning gauntlet of social media stuff. Until I noticed a text from my brother-in-law. We had been discussing the night before a dream I had, in which we were supposed to be married. I ran away to New York because I didn't want to get married to him (nothing personal) but it was okay because he wanted to be a space emissary. Like I said, it was a weird dream.
He had continued the conversation this morning by stating that he would never do anything like that. He wouldn't give up the certainty of having someone in his life for the unknown. What follows is the rest of the conversation, shared because it took a weird turn down the dark roads of my mind. The kind of thoughts I have when there is no one awake to distract me from them.
Me: True. You like certainty.
M: It's much better then a handful of nothing
Me: Indeed
This is kinda where it took the turn.....
Me: There is something to be said for spontaneity though.
Certainty is kind of an illusion. The only real constant in the universe is change.
I was certain I was going to work as a CNA til I got my nursing degree done. Now here I am. On medical leave til October, and I don't know what happens after that.
I have to look at it as an adventure though. I didn't choose to have Lupus or Scleroderma or what ever the hell they are gonna eventually diagnose me with. It just came into my life and shook up the certainty.
The only thing certain is that there is no cure for either of them and it has, and will continue to change my life, for better or worse. The adventure is trying to make the best out of the life I have now, and finding the people who are really down to ride out the road with me, bumps and all.
And finding the bravery to believe I am worth riding with. I live in constant fear that the burden of me and this illness is too great and eventually everyone will just get tired of me and leave.
Heavy stuff at 8am.
But this is where I live these days. Right or wrong, these are the thoughts I have. As I understand it, this isn't uncommon for someone with a chronic or even long term condition. The fear of being a "burden". The thought that the people in your life won't tolerate you forever.
Perhaps it's my low self esteem. I have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy. There are other experiences I've had in the past that also add to the doubt I feel.
Why do I allow myself to let these voices win? I have other voices in my life that counter act the doubt. I'm a smart person. I've always been capable. I'm raising 3 pretty amazing kids that I'm confident love me. I have a husband who has repeatedly told me my fears of abandonment are ill founded as far as he's concerned. He isn't going anywhere, he says. I have supportive and loving parents and extended family. And, not that it matters too much but I'm not too hard on the eyes. The positive voices in my life far outnumber my own negative ones. Yet, I find myself many mornings and late nights too, listening to the lesser voices in my life. The fear. the doubt.
Perhaps it's human nature. We place a lot of stock in what a person has accomplished or what they own. Their means determine their worth. It could also be that I work in a field where all I do is care for other peoples "burdens". I don't see them that way at all. But in some cases their families did, so they sent them away. Sometimes they themselves think they are a burden and apologize every time they need care. I see vibrant individuals with soul and so much love and wisdom to impart, they look in the mirror and see helplessness. Before, I could never understand when a person who needed my help would apologize for "bothering" me. I was there to help.
Now I find myself apologizing.
"I'm sorry I'm not energetic today."
"I'm sorry but I need to go back bed, I'm wiped"
"I'm sorry, dinner is nothing special tonight"
"I'm sorry that I can't come to your party...."
I guess if there is any point to this other than being a catharsis for me, it's that we need to be kinder to ourselves and others in times of need. Life can change in an instant. After all, change is the only constant in the universe. A little more kindness all around, might make us more equipped to roll with those changes and face the adventure.
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