Squirrel-a-derma and other Strange Twists.

Have you ever been too optimistic for your own good?

This is where I find myself at the moment. In the aftermath of just such a case of rampant optimism.

The week started with a bang. I had suffered 6 days in a row of chest pains. Sadly, this is not uncommon for me. No one has figured out why they happen.

I finally found myself desperate for relief and called my primary care doctor. Then I called my rheumatologist and begged for a sooner appointment.

I had been waiting to see her for almost a year. Cancelled appointments on my side due to life suckage. Cancelled appointments on their side compounded by a waiting 4 month waiting list every time we had to reschedule. This time they happened to have a cancelation 2 days from then. Finally.

Saw my regular doctor and I asked him to level with me. We had been throwing around the word Lupus. My Nanna has Lupus. But my antibodies have never come up positive for Lupus. I told him that I needed to know what I was really up against. Over the past year my health has gotten worse and worse. He said he was hesitant to diagnose me, the specialist might see something he missed. I insisted.  He said the word I didn't want or expect: Scleroderma. Then he said, "But wait til you see the rheumatologist. I still am hoping for Lupus" Hoping for Lupus. Such a strange phrase. But between the two,  I guess I was too. I'm familiar with it. Scleroderma, that was terrifying.

The next day my husband and I sat in the specialists exam room. She came through the door, very quickly introduced herself and almost in the same breath said, "You have a condition called Scleroderma." As easily as she was saying that the sky was blue. BOOM. She very quickly set up some orders in her computer for my medicines, pinched me everywhere on my skin to check for tightness. Then she added another med for my purple toes, Reynauds Syndrome. She told me what the plan was, to go get a bunch more tests, and she was gone. Maybe a half hour had passed at most. We sat stunned while the nurse printed out info and orders for tests, and sent us on our way.

Since then it's been an even wilder ride. My boss forced me to resign. It was either that or they fire me and I can't ever reapply. I've had to explain to my kids, my parents, my siblings, close friends, what I have, what it can do, and that I don't know how fast it will happen to me. Then I have answered calls later on after some of them went and Googled it even though I told them not to.

My kids seem to be coping. My daughter can't pronounce Scleroderma, so she keeps saying I have Squirrel-a-derma.  ;) I'm so glad my kids have my sense of humor. We've decided I'm going to become a super villian that commands an army of squirrels. Got to make up for my job somehow right?

So how does this rambling narrative relate to optimism? From the very first positive ANA, the pattern said it was either Lupus or Scleroderma. I optimistically thought it HAD to be Lupus. It was familiar, sucky but familiar. My doctor did the same. I never prepared for anything else. I was blindsided.

Despite that. I'm still optimistic. With everything going on, I have to be. I'm more cautious with my optimism, but it still survives.