Masks and other Deceptions

The vast majority of my life, I've been accustomed to wearing masks. Not literal masks, obviously, but figurative ones. We all do it. There's the mask we wear when we are at work. The one we have for dating. Masks for social interaction, the holidays, family gatherings, ect. Fitting in with polite civilized company requires effort. Most of us have parts of our real selves that we reign in and cover up as the need arises.

There are those who don't. You know the ones talk obsessively about their collection of mint in the box action figures from the 80s. The one who can go on at length about their cat, Mr. Fluffykins, who is obviously the reincarnation of Albert Einstein because he is so funny and smart. Those passionate, wonderful souls that we consider socially inept. The dweebs, the super geeks, the alpha nerds. I admire them. They are unashamed of their obsessions. They want to share their love of whatever it is that revs them up with anyone who'll listen, regardless of the ostracization that usually comes with.

I envy them. 

I have my masks. My Mommy mask. That tries to be happy and silly for my kids even if I don't feel that way. My social mask, which is worn when I am around people who ask you how you are doing, but don't really care what the answer is. It even has a catchphrase. "I'm great! How are you?" *smile and nod* The mask I wear for my Parents. The responsible adult who is doing just fine so they don't have to worry. 

The problem is, my disguises are wearing thin. I have so much darkness, fear and sadness welling up inside that it's seeping out. Like one of those scary halloween masks that drip fake blood when you squeeze the little plunger. 

Some people in my life have always been able to see through. But what happens when the rest see what a mess I really am? Because, I am a complete disaster behind my mask. I'm not calm. I'm not collected. I'm not happy. I'm scared. Tired to the point of collapse. In more physical pain than I let anyone see. The wolves are at the door and the debt piles up, because I can't work anymore. 

Who is really going to be around me when the mask won't hold up anymore. Because I don't even want to be around me. And certainly wouldn't blame anyone else for not wanting to be there anymore either.