The dream is this:
Good stable job, house, reliable car, 2.5 kids, dog, yard and neighbors you wave to, but never really speak to. It's what were all sold. It's what I've been working towards. I went back to school, knowing that if I could just get through, I'd reach that.
Now we come to where I really am. Living in an apartment that most of the time I afford by the skin of my teeth or by the mercy of a family member. No yard. A car that I am usually surprised is still in it's parking spot and not repossessed. I have my kids. But I can't give them nearly what they deserve. I have my adorable dog, and the poor little guy spends many a day laying in bed next to me because I can barely move.
Now, before you think this a "poor me" pity party. That is not what this is. I made many of the choices that led me here. I dropped out of college at 18. My credit is a mess because of decisions I made when I was going through my divorce. I am not looking for pity.
This is a post about what a person is supposed to do when the rug gets pulled out from under them.
Because after many mistakes, I made a good choice and went back to school to finish my nursing degree. I've been trying to slowly but surely build my credit back up so that eventually I could own a home. We even discussed and planned for one more little one.
Then life happened. Scleroderma happened. The woman who could work full time, get straight A's in school and keep her home more or less running smoothly, became the one who has been treated to 2 ambulance rides in one year. Days where I couldn't be stopped became days that I couldn't get out of bed.
These things we've discussed before. That hasn't changed in a year. We are still trying to find the right medicines to make this more manageable. What also hasn't changed is the dream.
I still want that home, that yard, even that little baby. But I have to change those dreams. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I do know I have no savings for a home down payment. I know that the medications that are meant to slow the progression of my illness cause serious birth defects if used during pregnancy.
Normally, I'm a person who is content to roll where the universe sends me. I know worry doesn't change a damn thing. But lately I find myself feeling robbed. I have been doing what I am supposed to. Working hard, getting an education, paying my bills keeping my karmic balance in the positive at all times. ;)
I liked my dreams. I want my pay off. I don't know what else to dream.
Maybe my focus was too narrow. Maybe I'm not being as flexible as I should. But I am not sure how to work past this roadblock.
How am I supposed to move forward?
Life never takes you to the places you expect, that's for sure. Often I am reminded every day of the things I can not have or don't deserve. There are those who share that, at least to some extent, with you who can relate. In a lot of ways you can have those things, it just may not be exactly what you were expecting. In some other ways, it may feel like your starting over. Its convoluted, confusing, frustrating, overwhelming, etc. Even when we do have these things, we realize that we don't really want them or they were not what we expected. I am not saying we should be happy with what we are given. Its more of, what can you do to make you happy in spite of all the physical and mental hurt? You won't be able to reach them everyday, but it is worth trying. Because those days that it does go your way, could be some of the most rewarding. Hang in there. There are others who know your pain and will be there to listen, cry with you, and even enjoy those dreams with you. <3
ReplyDelete