Ah, the Holidays!
That magical time of year when anything is possible.
Hooray!
Listen, I'm no Scrooge, but this year definitely isn't going down in my book of warm and fuzzies.
I have been trying my damnedest to make the year special. I know most of us have had a pretty crappy 2016. It may be a huge failing, but I have a larger optimism section of my heart, than I have a sensible portion of my brain. I've always been a believer in the Angel that gets his wings at the end of it's a wonderful life and the sad little Charlie Brown tree that just needs some love to make it beautiful.
It's not working very well for me. This year has seen so much loss and pain for so many people I love. And for me.
This is the first year I haven't had to wrack my brain trying to figure out what to give my Mom for Christmas. Because this is my first year without her. It has left an un-fillable void in my Holiday spirit. Usually this time of year was so hectic for both of us. While I was still working and she had countless activities she had volunteered to help with at her church, we'd usually make that after Thanksgiving phone call and figure out when the best day to celebrate together was. In my home December 25th is more of a suggestion than a hard set date for our Yuletide festivities. I've always said, "Christmas is when we get together to share it."
This year there was no phone call, no schedule conflicts. Nothing. I am trying to soldier on and make this as happy as possible for everyone, but it's difficult when you're not feeling joyful.
My body is also being completely uncooperative. I have a large cyst on my ovary, a smaller cyst on my kidney, a sharp pain in my side, arthritis pretty much everywhere thanks to the Scleroderma.
I know bitch, bitch, moan, moan.
I'm supposed to be Santa and make all of the Merry and the Ho Ho Ho and The Goodwill towards men, ect, but Santa has a full time elf crew, a loving wife to bake him goodies, a magic team of reindeer and one hell of an advertising firm in his pocket.
I have none of those advantages. I'm tired.
But what's that sound from down in Whoville?
It's the hope that I am trying to gently foster.
I am making gifts for the ones I love this year. It's a time consuming and tiring process, but I am happy with the results. I have been crocheting lots of things.
It's something my mother taught me. It's very centering, working away at my chains and stitches, remembering when she taught me. Thinking of my mom and how she always had a bundle of crochet with her to work on. She could talk to you, watch TV and whip up a blanket without missing a stitch. You could always tell when she'd need to concentrate on her work because she'd nod her head to acknowledge what you were saying while quietly whispering, "three, four, five" then she'd be right back with you.
Writing about it now causes the strangest pain. It hurts because I miss her so much, but I'm so happy to have that memory.
I'm also baking a ton of treats to give away. That's another skill to thank my Mom for. Even after I had my own kids and started baking my own cookies, she'd always bring a big tupperware of cookies for us. She'd always fuss and say they didn't turn out the way she wanted, but they were always perfect. The last week I got to spend with her, I introduced her to "The Great British Bake Off" and we binged the entire season on Netflix. This year as I try my hand at Mary Berry's Viennese Whirls, I'll be thinking of her.
Even with all that I haven't got this holiday season I am grateful. I have such memories to cherish. I have people in my life that care for me and my family. People to give crocheted scarves and cookies baked with love. I have my family, even if it isn't as complete as it should be. I am going to make it through Christmas.
So here we are, oversized optimism in my heart, and Boris Karloff in my head:
"Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near.
Christmas Day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp.
Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have we. Welcome
Christmas while we stand, heart to heart, and hand in hand."
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