On the subject of Purpose

"Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction." - John F. Kennedy.

Finding ones purpose in life is something everyone of us struggles with. Some know from an very early age what they hope to achieve. Others are happy to drift through life from one purpose to another. Some are tormented trying to find a sense of meaning or purpose in anything that happens to them.

I was one of the "lucky" ones that found my purpose, my calling, as it were.

And then it was gone.

I started out at a very early age knowing that I wanted to help. I was a helper. A fixer. When I was very young I planned to be a doctor during the day, a veterinarian at night and a ballerina on the weekends. Big dreams. As I grew, it kinda scaled back to becoming a nurse. Still a big dream, but with a much healthier space left for a family and a social life.

Then I let getting married at 18 and having 3 kids during my 20s change my purpose again. Raising my kids and having a job that allowed me to not need a sitter.

Then everything came full circle again. After a bad marriage, a chaotic divorce, my kids reaching an age where they were capable of wiping their own butts, and getting my new blended family, um, blended: I finally found my way back to purposefully pursuing becoming a nurse.

Things were great. I went to school while I worked full time as a CNA. I managed to be an honor roll student. I was a veritable superhero.

Then we all know what happened next.

So here I am for the first time in a looong time, with no clear purpose.

Before, even though my purpose had changed, I still had a purpose. I still had a plan. A dream. A goal.

My kids are all well on their way to being capable and amazing adults. So their need for me has greatly diminished.

My husband doesn't need me to run his life. He is a smart man, a great cook, can wash his own clothes, and even remember people's birthdays without me reminding him. This is all fantastic, except that for a carer and fixer like me, it leaves nothing to "fix".

My career gave me purpose. It let be important. It let me care for people. It let me be a carer by day and have my nights with self sufficient family. Without it I have an immense overflow.

At first, I used this overflow to do some much needed self care. I finally did things that I had put off in favor of caring for others.

Then, when I was fairly satisfied with the amount of energy I had pointed at myself, I poured it into rescuing animals. I am quite proud of my mini menagerie. I know I have made a difference in my cats' and dog's lives. But there is far less energy needed even there now. The puppy is not a puppy anymore, but a housetrained registered service dog. The cats are no longer kittens. They have their hierarchy. And let's be real, aside from walkies, litter changing and feeding, cats and dogs both sleep 16 hours a day. I am sure I needed them, way more than they needed me.

So what do I do with my overflow now? I can't keep adopting puppies and kittens. Trust me I asked my husband (again) today. Thankfully (and frustratingly) he has way more sense about these things than I do.

The aforementioned kids are all teenagers. They come in the house and disappear into their rooms to do cool/sulky teenage things, just like I did at their age. They are pretty good at not starving to death too.

I have even tried volunteering. When you can't count on your body to let you keep plans and appointments, you are not very useful for volunteer work. Most places want and deserve a weekly or monthly commitment.

I am not a "lady who lunches", a religious zealot, a free and unattached back-packer trekking across Europe, or a rich trophy wife that can take the yacht out for a quick zip towards Cabo for a weekend.

So where is my purpose now? I am open to suggestions. Until I find it, I'll be here, browsing the animal foundation website, and cooing over the faces of puppies and kitties that don't need me as much as I want them.