Pain:Guilt ratio

I find myself today, like many days, at odds with myself.

Trying to sort through the pain to guilt ratio. That is to say, how much pain do I have to be in before I can stop feeling guilty for needing time to rest, or help doing things?

This guilt is not being imposed on me by anyone outside of myself. You would think being a logical human I could just "logic" it away. It does not work that way.

A logical person says things like, "Surely, I am as worthy as any other human, of kindness and help." "There are people out there who take things that don't belong to them with no guilt at all! Resting when you really need it isn't guilt worthy!"

I have been in such pain for the past week or so now that I have reached a point that is beyond reason.

In this place you are driven to insurmountable pangs of guilt and regret by simple things. Things like asking your daughter to walk the dog. Not driving your husband to work because your shoulders hurt so bad that the simple act of turning the steering wheel is excruciating. Laying in a dark room under the effects of oxycodone, which incidentally barely takes the edge off the pain but makes me loopy enough to be useless, is a capital crime.

Today I live at that point beyond reason. Today my husband told me they cancelled his second interview for a promotion he wanted. They cancelled it because of me. Last Friday I drove to meet him for lunch because I missed him. Pain and all. When he saw the condition I was in he left work early to take me home and take care of me. This act simultaneously made him indispensable to me, but a liability to them.

You can't imagine the guilt I feel. I am lying in the dark, loopy, in pain and feeling so much guilt that I have rendered myself useless in my own mind.

Everyone's life would be better without me today.

Depression is not a new symptom for those of us who suffer a chronic illness. Treating depression becomes part of a plan of care if your Dr is worth their salt.

But this guilt has a clear and reasonable cause. Action A led to Consequence B and Action A is all my fault. So what do we do with those types of guilt? When the ones we love are hurt because of caring for a chronically ill person?

So today I find myself on losing end of that pain:guilt ratio.